$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
