What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
they call him Oral-B. enough said
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
