I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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