Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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