Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize