I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
