my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
