How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize