Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
