you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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