I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
