My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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