Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
