I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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