Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
