So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
