not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize