I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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