I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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