can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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