how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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