Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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