Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
