This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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