My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize