my mouth tastes like poor choices
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
