Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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