Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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