you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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