remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Your cock deserves a montage
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
