I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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