the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize