i wish my penis had a tongue
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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