Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
