If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
