i always forget guys have bellybuttons
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i've created a new STD.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
