How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
