He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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