That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
