Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
