I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
