I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
