they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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