I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
