he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
