If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
