I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
