ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
