you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
