We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If I die, sorry about rent.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
