Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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