unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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