i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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