Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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