Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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