Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
