I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
