Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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