you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
