I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
