Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize